THE CIRCULAR FLOW OF INCOME.

You put your hand in your pockets;they feel very empty except for your gonads.You are so broke that whenever somebody calls you 'bro' you get angry coz you think that's short form for broke.

1.You call a friend.You explain to him how you've been trying to love money but money hasn't been loving you back,you only see her with other guys.You further inform him how you are planning to go to bed for supper.He sends you cash via mobile money transfer.

2.You start dancing.

3.Your phone vibrates.You stop dancing.Several whatsapp messages.They are from the group 'sure bets'.

4.Someone has just shared some odds and he's swearing by his grandmother's dress that they are 1000% sure.

5.Suddenly you don't feel hungry anymore.The money you got from your friend finds itself in one of the local betting sites.

6.Bet placed.You decide to nap to conserve the remaining little energy.

7.You dream that you  are eating some sweet loaf of bread.You wake up 2hrs later only to realise that you have been chewing your own matress.

8.You open the live score app.All the games on your multibet have won except for one which is still in progress.The good news is that that one remaining team(let's call it Tialala Fc) is 2-0 up at half time.

9.50th minute,65th minute,70th minute;Tialala Fc are still two nil up.

10.You realise that you are on the verge of winning a tidy sum of money.You mentally start making a to-buy list.

11."Hi beautiful",you text the chic upstairs.

12.10 minutes later she hasn't replied.May be she used a pigeon to reply or she sent a smoke signal.You check outside, there's no smoke coming out of her room.You don't see any pigeon either outside.

13."Hi",she finally replies.

14."Busy tonight?"You text back at the speed of light.

15."No ",she replies."Feel like going out?I'l cater for everything"

16."Really?""Yeah,believe me sweery,I gat enough to feed the needy."

17."O.k,handsome,Iam in."Handsome? Wasn't it the other day that this same chic claimed that you are as ugly as a duckling?Anyway yaliyondwele sipite.

18.While you are busy texting the Devil gets a call."Yo' boss,agent demon 666 here.Our man on the ground reports  that some dude from Kenya is 5 minutes away from winning a hefty sum through betting."

19."Kenya?""Yes boss,that country in Africa whose citizens elect millionaires who then appoint other millionaires to try and fix the system that made them millionaires."

20."Oh!I remember that country.I will take care of that dude fam."

21.Your phone vibrates.A notification from the livescore app.Tialala Fc have conceded a goal.It's the 89th minute,no worries.

22.Phone vibrates again.Tialala Fc better not have conceded another goal.

23.Tialala Fc have conceded another goal.92nd minute.

24.Phone vibrates.Full time score 2-2.

25.Phone rings.It's the chic from upstairs."Hello,I'm ready let's go."

26.You want to put your phone into a blender and crush it but you quickly remember you don't own a blender.It was in the mental  to-buy list.

27.A whatsapp message from the group sure bet.It's the guy who shared the 1000% sure odds.He says that he's very sorry.If only you could get him you would hit him so hard with your right hand that he would beg you to use your left.

28.Meanwhile your hunger has resurfaced.You stomach growls loudly;so loudly that your neighbour texts your "brathe punguza volume ya woofer."You want to go over and hit him in the face with a meat tenderizer .You remember you don't own a meat tenderizer.Just like the blender,it was in the to buy list.

29.Elsewhere,the Devil is having fun."Hahaha!"He laughs as he slaps his knee."Honey what's funny?",asks his wife."Nothing,just work related stuff.""Come to bed,I'm cold.""Cold?But we are in hell!"His wife gives him an angry stare."O.k,I'm coming,lemme first change my whatsapp status.

30.The Devil then changes his whatsapp status from 'Uhuruto tano tena' to 'Good day in office'.

FOREIGN EXCHANGE.

One Friday night in the company of some people who claim to be my friends,I found myself crossing the border into Busia Uganda in search of greener  yellower pastures.After strolling around in the night,we 'accidentally' got into a large building where they serve not- so-soft soft drinks.

 A nice looking human being crossed my path of vision.As you can recall from your Physics ,light travels in a straight line so I couldn't help but notice.There is this famous saying"When in Rome,do as Kenyans do",so I went after her in hot pursuit.

Many years ago, Scientists met and unanimously agreed that tall people cannot dance(I think it was also during this conference that they decided that the scientific name for cleavage was the mammary sulcus,but that's beside the point).I decided to defy science and show that daughter of Museveni some Kenyan moves.

The dancing was fine until hypoglycemia came knocking.You see,with rice being my respiratory substrate(ugali then had become a luxury),I couldn't keep up with my Ugandan counterpart who was being fuelled by matoke.I excused myself and went to look for 10%Dextrose.

Back in Kenya while closing my personal books of account ,I realised that there was some cash which was unaccounted for.Then it hit me that the Museveni girl might have helped herself with it.

At some point while dancing ,she might have softly rubbed  my anterior frontanelle leaving me in status happilepticus and then proceeding to do her thing.In my defense,I thought this frontanelle rubbing  business was a signature Ugandan dance move.

When trading,it is only fair to let your trading partner know when you are taking his/her money in exchange of the services you have offered.What that Ugandan beauty did is against the East African Community spirit.

With the help of a four figure elementary maths table and a scientific calculator(fx-82ms),I came to find out that the actual sum lost was almost worth two month's daily supply of avocado.F*#%ing unbelievable!


All I ever wanted was to represent my nation and the boy child.Is this too much to ask for?

Anyway,yaliyo ndwele si pite.

DEADLY PREY.

The other day I was strolling somewhere In Kenya.The sun was blazing so I decided to shelter at some bus stop before that heat  denatured my enzymes.A few minutes later,I was joined by a lady.She was definitely in a hurry for she kept throwing glances down the road.

She was beautiful.So beautiful that if she was a vegetable then she would be a cutecumber.She had those type of eyes that make you confess things you didn't even do.I remember one instance where she innocently looked at me and I almost claimed responsibility for the 1994 Mtongwe ferry disaster.

Her forehead was perfect.I would have let her headbutt me all day long if she wanted to.

She was in a decent mini-skirt,not those little things the size of a belt I see people wear in Campus.Need I say that she had better legs than an isosceles triangle?

 In short she was without blemish;I could drink her bath water.This kind of beauty might be the real reason why our good Lord gifted us with eyeballs.

Chics are experts in thwarting mens' attempts to get their phone numbers.Sometimes they do it so harshly that the man in question is left feeling more unwanted than the 1st slice of bread.I didn't want to be a part of this statistics so I went into a corner and come up with some strategy.

1.Greet her.
2.Nicely ask her her name.
3.Say how sweet her name sounds(even if it's Jezebel)
4.Tell her that I bet her phone number sounds even sweeter than her name.
5.Be given the number.
6. Text her later how I wish to be wrapped around her heart like her  coronary arteries.

A strong wind blew past .I took it as a sign of my ancestors' approval of my strategy."Kijana wetu ako ndani,ndaaaaani,ndani kabisa."

I was about to go through my strategy for the last time when a matatu appeared on the horizon.The conductor started to bang its side violently and it began to lose speed.My potential soul mate started picking up her things.I panicked.

"Hi, Iam Dennis and I am writing a phonebook,can I have your number?"