KUNG FU(D)..

Long time ago, something quite strange happened in my home area. It was many years ago, a time when Kenyans preferred actual food to teargas, people lived in Mukuru kwa Njenga instead of Mukuru Kwa Zuckerberg (read facebook)and the word sponsor actually meant a good Samaritan who was paying for your school fees instead of some octogenarian who gave you money for your honey (I hear these days they are called `blessers')......by the way  when you hear your girl proclaiming that she's blessed,dude,be very suspicious.

Now, the actual happenings of what I am going to narrate were told to me by a third party who had witnessed them all like findyo like ndrama.I might have added a word or two to the original version but, hey,even Kaligraph  Jones did Ojuelegba refix and we are all cool with it.

It all started with the late Hon. Njega Karume making an impromptu visit to the area. At that time visiting Ukambani while carrying some relief food with you was thought quite fashionable by the politicians. So the late Mheshimiwa not wanting to look like a mtiaji  brought lots of food with him.

Hon.Karume with the Local M.P addressed the people and then took off leaving the local administration in charge of distributing the food. People were divided into their respective sub-locations with their sub chiefs in charge.

One sub chief saw it prudent to first ‘remove’ a speech before he gave food to his people. He stood on a sack of maize so that his people could hear as well see him as he oozed wisdom and words of nation building.

Unfortunately, some guy who was not a huge fan of speeches or sub chiefs for that matter got quite impatient. He pulled the sack which the sub chief stood on. One sad thing about gravity is that it is no respector of titles. It D(oesn’t)GAF  if you lead an entire sublocation,so the administrator came tumbling down like a plane shot from the sky by an enemy drone.

Before the other sub chiefs could scream ‘akiangai!’, it became full chaos. What was initially a normal relief food distribution exercise quickly turned into an exhibition of close combat tactics. Karate chops, weave-pulling, kicks to the groin, Kidero slaps and ’‘Makueni punches were all on full display.

Makueni punches (ngumi sya Makueni) was a term which was used to describe some kind of punches which at that time were popular in the lower Makueni County. The first step in executing these punches in a fight involved dashing into the opposite direction. Your opponent at first would think that you were running away only for him to discover too late that it was just a maneuver to add more velocity and sting to the forthcoming blow. Another thing which your opponent discovered too late was that he should have bought a new set of teeth before that fight.

Back to the relief food chaos.

The intensity of the slaps that were being thrown around made you question the intentions of your assailant:" does this guy want to render me comatose? Why is this lady attempting to perform some  illegal craniotomy on me without my informed consent?" I particularly remember being told the story of one bespectacled fellow who on grabbing a sack of maize dashed for the fence only to be stopped dead on his tracks with smack by a Popeye -like arm . Legend has it that he got hit so hard across the face that his glasses almost shrunk into contact lenses.

Another unfortunate incidence that I can recall of involved an old man.The mzee had picked a few Jerri cans of corn oil and was strolling leisurely when he got swept off his feet and the Jerri cans taken while he was still in flight. By the time he landed and tried to look up to see whose manner less son was that, neither the oil nor his assailant were in sight.

Tragedy struck in broad daylight when some lady decided to use the lower part of her skirt to ferry some ndegus back to her handbag. Poor life decision. Everyone was upon her like white on rice and within seconds her skirt was floating high in the air like a blade of grass. It’s alleged that the perpetrators of this heinous act were some Fisiotherapy graduates who had been earlier heard swearing that ‘Leo tunadandia kama mathree chopper.'

Another person who made a bad life decision on that day was the chief. Seeing that his assistants had failed to control the rowdy crowd, he decided to do it himself. He charged into the crowd, stick in hand. The stick broke after he struck two or three people. Some patriotic citizen present then decided to reward the chief’s heroic efforts by emptying a whole packet of milk powder on his head.

It was not until all food had been looted or mixed with soil that normalcy returned. People then did the walk of shame back to their homes.

 Anyway, this is what happens when you bring relief food to people who really don’t need it.

SHOPPING MANENOS

 Late last year around November, there was an event back at home that required several printed t-shirts. So I set off for the capital city of U.K (Ukambani); Machakos where I was to meet my cousin who would then add some feminine magic to the t-shirt shopping thing.

We began our task immediately after I arrived at Machakos.

We were warmly received at the first shop where we quickly stated our problem.  The t-shirts were there alright but they cost water and firewood. At that cost the sales from those t-shirts could significantly fund the construction of the new Machakos.

We got the hell outta that shop as fast we could and decided to try the open air market.

We soldiered on to the New Jerusalem .I think the previous sentence sounds weird. In my defense I’ll quote what Pilate said when the Chief priests asked him to change the writing on Christ’s cross: “What I have written, I have written. “Most of you will protest that there’s no such statement in the bible.Tsk! Watoto wa Ibilisi.It’s John 19:21-22.

Back to the t-shirts. We made a stop at the first stall in the market and informed the vendor that we needed more than 20 t-shirts. Emphasis on 20.He went berserk.He started ransacking his own stall and then took off like a bee-stung farmer. We took some seats still in shock and eagerly waited for his return.

I couldn’t help but eavesdrop to a hilarious conversation which was going on a few stalls away. Classical gossip. A lady was talking about some guy called Muendo.From what I was hearing Muendo didn’t like it his children being served food before him. The story teller went on to quote Muendo-“Watoto watakulaje mbele yangu na mimi ndio hufanya kazi ngumu?Eh?Na ata huyo mtoto ashibe na apate gunia ya mahindi kando ya barabara haezi beba.Wallahi siku yenye nitaamka nipate hakuna chakula kwa hio nyumba nitanyonya mama yao kwanza ndio nipate nguvu ya kwenda kuwatafutia chakula."

”

Well I knew some grown up Kenyan men nyonyad for fun, but for nutritional purpose?!Man that was new.

I was still smiling when our vendor appeared carrying a mountain of t-shirts. All kind of t-shirts. Some were so huge that they could be used as curtains while others were something between a vest and a bra. We shook our heads in obvious disapproval.

Other vendors come to the aid of their colleague.”Si mnataka t-shirt plain, moja ndio hii”, said the woman who had been gossipping about Muendo .Plain must have several meanings because the t-shirt she was holding had a huge label of Hugo Boss written across it.

                                                                     

There was no way we were buying t-shirts from that market, even if they called the local chief to convince us using his rungu. Mind you, being struck with a chief’s rungu is one of the most painful things one earth. This is no chance statement said in the by going; it’s something I say having witnessed several people get hit with the rungu. I will give you two incidences.

The first incidence happened back in the village many years ago. Some lad who had smoked something very potent disrupted a women Chama meeting. The irate women then threatened to call the chief on him but he seemed unfazed. Assuming a cool-as-a-cucumber facade of togetherness, he boldly told them to their faces that he was only afraid of two things under the sun; uji moto (hot porridge) and mbwa ya jirani (his neighbor’s dog).After the chief was done with him with his rungu, I am sure he had a third thing to be really afraid of.

The other occurrence where I witnessed the magic of the chief’s rungu was when the former Vice-President Uncle Moody Awori visited a neighbouring primary school. It was also many years ago; I think I was in class five. Uncle Moody ensured that before his chopper took off there was something left behind for the people to feast on; tones of loaves of bread and a sea of soda. The pecks of having a Luhya Vice president. In case Kenya gets a Luhya Deputy President and he visits our place again he daren’t bring soda and bread this time round. You see, we are no longer in primary school; we grew up and went to campus and in campus we interact with cool kids. According to them 'taking soda and bread is kinda gross. Who does that?' He he.

Back to the chief’s rungu. Some guy decided that he wouldn’t queue and wait for his turn like everybody else. The chief descended on him with his rungu and abracadabra! The guy’s impatience and unwillingness to queue instantly vanished.

But not even the legendary chief’s rungu would make us buy those t-shirts. We left the market empty handed despite the vendors putting up quite a show.

Later in the evening we encountered some herbalist who was selling “ndawa ya pimples”.He looked at my face suspiciously and I felt my serial killer instincts start to kick in. All of a sudden I wanted to punch him in the heart.(Alright,  I know I have a few pimples here and there but they are non pathological, It’s just my underutilised awesomeness trying to escape from my body.) Seeing that nobody was interested in his concoctions the herbalist took off but not after threateningly informing us how we would have to cough 3 k  if we were to visit him in his “headquarters” in Kangundo. He also told us that he would be on Citizen TV the following day teaching the nation about his herbs .We acted shocked by such kind of  revelation.

Honestly you can’t just buy stuff from strangers and apply it to your face. God knows what might happen to you. You might wake up with a face that looks like a matomoko fruit or a chapatti.

Hawkers, open market vendors, roadside sellers etc. are significant to our economy. They also sometimes make shopping way much more convenient.

PESA PAP.

So you have decided to embrace laziness and wear it around like a comfortable coat, uh? It’s okay, who am I to judge you anyway?

 You can still be rich in Kenya without hard work though .I’ll tell you how.

1. Ask everyone in the country (fellow Kenyans, tourists, foreign diplomats, illegal immigrants …etc.) to give you one shilling each.

2. Join an evil cult whereby you provide them with people they can use as human sacrifice in exchange for money. Start with those people who think that my blog is boring.

3. Strategically erect a sign post advertising yourself as “Daktari kutoka Pemba” (yeah, say Pemba coz Kitui has become too mainstream)

Don’t forget to brag how you cure strange illnesses like “kushindwa kuosha sufuria iliyopikia ugali” .Say also how you make light skin chics reply to men’s texts real quick.Yeah,declare that men will no longer have to wait for text replies like telegrams thanks to your ‘’Dawa. ”

4. Sing a typical Kenyan club banger:

·         Ensure you use a funky beat. 

·         Name the song after a certain body part like “Kisugudi. ”

·         Make sure the lyrics tell us how you use the aforementioned body part to dance to the song.

5. Come up with a fake discovery on the medicinal value of a certain animal product. Make it a wild animal for it to sound more authentic.Ensure it gets good coverage in electronic, print and social media. For example you can claim that recent research has shown that a hippo’s milk makes ones skin smooth like that of a new born baby. Start then selling baby hippos to people at an astronomical price.

6. Join one of the various sports betting sites.

PS: For you to get rich through betting, you will have to pour lots of libation and make uncountable burnt offerings to you ancestors.

7. Have a daughter. Wait till somebody wants to marry her and ask for 5 million shillings coz “apart from being very educated, she knows how to boil water. ”

8.Start selling a concoction that allegedly enlarges bums and widens hips. Use creative business slogans like “nunua chupa nnne,upewe tatu na uongezewe moja.”

9. Change your name to Richard and insist that people call you Rich. Ignore all those who call you Richie.

10. Blog an article briefly giving tips to lazy people on how they can effortlessly get rich. Ask for money for you to give further details on the mentioned tips.

For further details on the above mentioned tips, MPESA a minimum of kshs 500 to 0702931630.

N.B: How many of you are wondering why I haven't used the above tips to get rich myself? Please raise up your hands. Wow! You are many. Now use the hands you have raised to slap yourselves.Mganga hajigangi.