KUNG FU(D)..

Long time ago, something quite strange happened in my home area. It was many years ago, a time when Kenyans preferred actual food to teargas, people lived in Mukuru kwa Njenga instead of Mukuru Kwa Zuckerberg (read facebook)and the word sponsor actually meant a good Samaritan who was paying for your school fees instead of some octogenarian who gave you money for your honey (I hear these days they are called `blessers')......by the way  when you hear your girl proclaiming that she's blessed,dude,be very suspicious.

Now, the actual happenings of what I am going to narrate were told to me by a third party who had witnessed them all like findyo like ndrama.I might have added a word or two to the original version but, hey,even Kaligraph  Jones did Ojuelegba refix and we are all cool with it.

It all started with the late Hon. Njega Karume making an impromptu visit to the area. At that time visiting Ukambani while carrying some relief food with you was thought quite fashionable by the politicians. So the late Mheshimiwa not wanting to look like a mtiaji  brought lots of food with him.

Hon.Karume with the Local M.P addressed the people and then took off leaving the local administration in charge of distributing the food. People were divided into their respective sub-locations with their sub chiefs in charge.

One sub chief saw it prudent to first ‘remove’ a speech before he gave food to his people. He stood on a sack of maize so that his people could hear as well see him as he oozed wisdom and words of nation building.

Unfortunately, some guy who was not a huge fan of speeches or sub chiefs for that matter got quite impatient. He pulled the sack which the sub chief stood on. One sad thing about gravity is that it is no respector of titles. It D(oesn’t)GAF  if you lead an entire sublocation,so the administrator came tumbling down like a plane shot from the sky by an enemy drone.

Before the other sub chiefs could scream ‘akiangai!’, it became full chaos. What was initially a normal relief food distribution exercise quickly turned into an exhibition of close combat tactics. Karate chops, weave-pulling, kicks to the groin, Kidero slaps and ’‘Makueni punches were all on full display.

Makueni punches (ngumi sya Makueni) was a term which was used to describe some kind of punches which at that time were popular in the lower Makueni County. The first step in executing these punches in a fight involved dashing into the opposite direction. Your opponent at first would think that you were running away only for him to discover too late that it was just a maneuver to add more velocity and sting to the forthcoming blow. Another thing which your opponent discovered too late was that he should have bought a new set of teeth before that fight.

Back to the relief food chaos.

The intensity of the slaps that were being thrown around made you question the intentions of your assailant:" does this guy want to render me comatose? Why is this lady attempting to perform some  illegal craniotomy on me without my informed consent?" I particularly remember being told the story of one bespectacled fellow who on grabbing a sack of maize dashed for the fence only to be stopped dead on his tracks with smack by a Popeye -like arm . Legend has it that he got hit so hard across the face that his glasses almost shrunk into contact lenses.

Another unfortunate incidence that I can recall of involved an old man.The mzee had picked a few Jerri cans of corn oil and was strolling leisurely when he got swept off his feet and the Jerri cans taken while he was still in flight. By the time he landed and tried to look up to see whose manner less son was that, neither the oil nor his assailant were in sight.

Tragedy struck in broad daylight when some lady decided to use the lower part of her skirt to ferry some ndegus back to her handbag. Poor life decision. Everyone was upon her like white on rice and within seconds her skirt was floating high in the air like a blade of grass. It’s alleged that the perpetrators of this heinous act were some Fisiotherapy graduates who had been earlier heard swearing that ‘Leo tunadandia kama mathree chopper.'

Another person who made a bad life decision on that day was the chief. Seeing that his assistants had failed to control the rowdy crowd, he decided to do it himself. He charged into the crowd, stick in hand. The stick broke after he struck two or three people. Some patriotic citizen present then decided to reward the chief’s heroic efforts by emptying a whole packet of milk powder on his head.

It was not until all food had been looted or mixed with soil that normalcy returned. People then did the walk of shame back to their homes.

 Anyway, this is what happens when you bring relief food to people who really don’t need it.