PESA PAP.

So you have decided to embrace laziness and wear it around like a comfortable coat, uh? It’s okay, who am I to judge you anyway?

 You can still be rich in Kenya without hard work though .I’ll tell you how.

1. Ask everyone in the country (fellow Kenyans, tourists, foreign diplomats, illegal immigrants …etc.) to give you one shilling each.

2. Join an evil cult whereby you provide them with people they can use as human sacrifice in exchange for money. Start with those people who think that my blog is boring.

3. Strategically erect a sign post advertising yourself as “Daktari kutoka Pemba” (yeah, say Pemba coz Kitui has become too mainstream)

Don’t forget to brag how you cure strange illnesses like “kushindwa kuosha sufuria iliyopikia ugali” .Say also how you make light skin chics reply to men’s texts real quick.Yeah,declare that men will no longer have to wait for text replies like telegrams thanks to your ‘’Dawa. ”

4. Sing a typical Kenyan club banger:

·         Ensure you use a funky beat. 

·         Name the song after a certain body part like “Kisugudi. ”

·         Make sure the lyrics tell us how you use the aforementioned body part to dance to the song.

5. Come up with a fake discovery on the medicinal value of a certain animal product. Make it a wild animal for it to sound more authentic.Ensure it gets good coverage in electronic, print and social media. For example you can claim that recent research has shown that a hippo’s milk makes ones skin smooth like that of a new born baby. Start then selling baby hippos to people at an astronomical price.

6. Join one of the various sports betting sites.

PS: For you to get rich through betting, you will have to pour lots of libation and make uncountable burnt offerings to you ancestors.

7. Have a daughter. Wait till somebody wants to marry her and ask for 5 million shillings coz “apart from being very educated, she knows how to boil water. ”

8.Start selling a concoction that allegedly enlarges bums and widens hips. Use creative business slogans like “nunua chupa nnne,upewe tatu na uongezewe moja.”

9. Change your name to Richard and insist that people call you Rich. Ignore all those who call you Richie.

10. Blog an article briefly giving tips to lazy people on how they can effortlessly get rich. Ask for money for you to give further details on the mentioned tips.

For further details on the above mentioned tips, MPESA a minimum of kshs 500 to 0702931630.

N.B: How many of you are wondering why I haven't used the above tips to get rich myself? Please raise up your hands. Wow! You are many. Now use the hands you have raised to slap yourselves.Mganga hajigangi.

BLUES.

Being on a long holiday and pretty much idle, I was wondering what topic to write about. Apparently Bro Ochola would have been the best choice but I found out  that apart from his sexting athleticism appearing in the wrong forum, there was no any other major thing to write about. I then decided to pick the next trendiest topic: Chelsea FC.Here now I found myself with a lot to write about. From Eva Caneiro’s 50000 megawatts- smile to Diego Costa’s childish behavior despite him having the face of an ancestor.

We all know what has befallen the former champions. The ‘special one’ has lost his  Matic  magic and he seems like he is *Morgan Freeman’s voice*... “taking the club back to the apathetic lemmings and sycophantic dialleth that have run it into the ground.”

I was very shocked to hear Mou say that his career is not in jeopardy.In fact the last time I was this shocked was when I knocked on a public toilet and a strange voice answered “karibu” amidst gasps. The club seems relegation bound and we all know that the club owner; Roman Abramovic, does not tolerate “specialists in failure.”

Personally I don’t know what is ailing Chelsea. But what I know is that watching the blues play of late has been real fun. This is more fun than Sir David Moyes’ era at Man United. I have been thinking of ways to have more fun when the blues are playing. In their next EPL match I will bring a vuvuzela with me and blast it loudly every time the opponent team wins the ball even if it’s a throw-in.Of course I will ensure that I am not within slapping distance.

I have more ideas on other crazier ways of having fun during a Chelsea match but I’ll need to have a bouncer or a working medical insurance cover to try them out.

Before I forget, Arsenal should hire Eva Caneiro.I mean she has got both beauty and de  bruynes brains. We need her at the Emirates by all means; even if it means introducing a 50% pretty Doc bonus in her contract.

Unless something extraordinary like the disqualification of all the other teams in the Premier League happens, the blues will continue seeing blues on the pitch.

As for Mourinho, he Petr Cech himself before he wreck himself.

REJECTION.

Rejection is real and sometimes it can be so serious that it  leaves the victim feeling like an emasculated mass of inanity.While dating,your success as a guy usually depends on an external locus of control;the chic.If  she decides that you are awesome,well and good,the opposite is also true.

 There are many reasons why a guy can get rejected,here are but a few:

• She's taken:she has a boyfriend and she doesn't want to engage in 'handling of stolen goods'

• Foul play:may be she heard some  nasty rumors about you.Unbelievable stuff  like how you are an immediate cousin to Mollis  or your addiction to paediatric  fish(read omena) ...Here is where you find yourself using phrases  like "money has been poured to finish me."

• Lanes:Yeah,we all agree that you are a knight in a shinning armor,but look here man, she wanted a knight in a shinning Hummer .

• She is genuinely not interested:this is a hard one.Infact there are higher chances of Obama catching Jungle fever than you getting lucky. 

• Pride:May be she's interested but coz she has got more ego than Kanye, she can't say yes.Too bad for her.   

                      ......etc

Rejection takes many forms.There are those chics who nicely and frankly tell you what's what(God bless you) and then there is the usual lot which rejects you with astonishing mean-spiritedness.This ranges from texts like 'Yesu ni bwana'(why involve the Messiah ffs ?),statements like "I see you as a brother(or sister..hahaha..*slaps knee*) to indicative whatsapp statuses such as 'IDFWU'.

 Guys have different ways of handling rejection.For instance,some immediately brush it off,others get transient depression while others  do hilarious stuff like making a bucket list with the first item in the list being to fill a bucket with beer.

Crying in front of your buddies coz you got rejected is bullshit bovine crap and any guy guilty of it should be immediately castrated.

Being rejected is part of life and one shouldn't take it too hard on himself.I have experienced it myself  several  a few times and it is not so life-threatening.

I am neither an expert in love nor womanology but here are a few things which I  thought I might highlight:

• Sometimes in life you don't always get what/who you want.If life gives you lemons... blah blah blah...sometimes life is too harsh to even give you lemons.
• No matter how it goes down,life goes on.
• If people can live without one kidney then you can live without a particular somebody.
• So you got rejected,did you die?If the answer is no,STFU and join the rest of Kenyans in building the nation.

Dear World, Kenya.

RE: EBK ACCREDITATION STATUS OF THE MMUST UNDERGRADUATE ENGINEERING PROGRAMMES

The Engineers’ Board of Kenya (EBK) is a constitutional body in Kenya which is fully mandated with regulation of practice of engineering in Kenya. EBK for that matter accredits undergraduate engineering programmes in the Kenyan universities. Once a course is accredited, the graduates of that course can then be registered with EBK as engineers. This presents to these graduates the basic legal permission to practice engineering in Kenya. Without this permit it is illegal for any graduate of engineering in Kenya to practice engineering or to be employed to practice engineering.

Masinde Muliro University if Science and Technology (MMUST) started as a constituent of Moi University in the Western Kenya. It got fully chartered by the government of Kenya in 2007 to run on its own as a public university. This gave the Senate of MMUST the authority to start academic programmes and to implement them fully. The Government of Kenya from this point fully funds any public university (not only MMUST) to implement all of its programmes fully and constitutionally. This means that the administration of MMUST has the full capacity in terms of authority and resources to implement the Enginnering programmes fully to the letter according to the full requirements of the constitution - in that saying, the Government of Kenya cannot be illegal.

MMUST has for decades admitted students including Engineering Students. These admissions have gone on for the decades without the university getting its programmes to be EBK accredited. Until this time, there is no progress in the accreditation process that the EBK has gazetted. This is unlike other universities in Kenya which have now gotten all of their programmes to be EBK accredited.

All of these get to mean doom upon these undergraduate students who graduate from the university into a professional world in which they are irrelevant in totality with regard to their degree. These are students who spend millions of hard earned cash on their education. They have work tirelessly and hardest to attain the best grades at all levels that could land them in undergraduate engineering programmes.

What really is happening? Why has the university administration never gotten these programmes to be accredited by EBK?

The immediate previous administration, which was headed by Professor Wangila, is said to have never done anything about the matter. This is credible as the accreditation board never communicated anything which could ever have indicated progress in the accreditation process. With the present administration, headed by Professor Fred Otieno, we can say that there has not been any progress in this matter. The universities which get accredited hold consultative meetings and deliberations with EBK. The EBK offers guidelines that such universities are expected to follow all the way until they get EBK accredited.

Whatsoever is going on with regard to MMUST, at present, mostly is a supremacy battle. It is one supremacy battle in which the university administration is engaging the EBK. There is no other explanation for the continuity of this problem in MMUST alone while other public universities get through in a matter of just a couple of months. The current Vice Chancellor (VC), Professor Fred Otieno, is a senior engineer who has worked for several years in South Africa. While in South Africa he has been a part of the engineering programme accreditation body for South Africa.

Coming to Kenya where he has no equal space in the EBK. He finds himself as a VC in an institution offering unaccredited engineering courses. He is required to comply with the EBK and get the courses accredited. He, most likely, stops and first of all compares the EBK with the system of accreditation in South Africa. The two systems are different and he most likely feels that he cannot bow to the Kenyan system which he probably finds to be inferior or uncomfortable. It is also humiliating to subject a ‘big’ man who has been scrutinizing other people elsewhere to similar scrutiny in which he probably feels unrecognised for all that he has become or done. It takes purpose to such a person to wrestle down the ‘big’ man feeling. But what happens if the big man syndrome meets an ‘inferior’ system? He then gets the urge to challenge it for personal reasons and the supremacy battle is on. He tries single-handedly fight the EBK and he fails properly. The only option he sees next apart from throwing in the towel is one and as Kiswahili puts it, “Fahali wawili wakipigana, nyasi huumia”. The students go on graduating with degrees in non-accredited programmes and the result thrills the big-man. How is the big man thrilled? The big man is thrilled in the light of the hope that the suffering students may fight with the EBK, the suffering students may be pitied by the nation upon which point the nation possibly through its careful president will ‘force’ the accreditation process or the parliament will scrap off the EBK.

It is coming from yesterday (22nd July, 2015 at about 4 pm and for about 22 minutes that I was on a phone call with the VC that I can report part of these findings especially those that are specifically about him. The phone call revealed that he was a member of an accreditation board in South Africa and that he understands how the process should go. The question is, why is it not happening? Which way should it go? Is that not how it is going with the EBK? He was suggesting that the students should visit the EBK and be told of why the process takes long. The question to ask is? Is it the role of the students? Is it the EBK answerable to the students directly or it happens through the admin? What does it insinuate when the admin sends the students directly? Seriousness? Incitation? Defeat? Is this acceptable anywhere for God’s sake?

The administration of MMUST has never availed a copy of any papers sent by EBK to them yet they receive these papers on behalf of the students and they act for the students. Transparency? None. Is anyone supposed to believe Professor Otieno when he says that they are “on top of the matter”? The may be on top of the matter but doing the wrong/useless things. Proof? Those VCs who are on top of the matter and are doing the right and useful stuff get the accreditation in a matter of months- live manifestations in our sight. We at MMUST wonder with awe about the miracle that go on around. Fighting with the EBK is not the way to “be on top of the matter”. Complying with the body is the way since the EBK is constitutional and for that matters legally established.
The dailies reflect that nothing has been done over this matter. Yet the administration of MMUST unlike others has never countered these defaming reports issued by the media. What do you get to think? Do you think that if the media was wrong about them they could have ever gone without challenging the media? If the media was wrong, do you think the EBK could not have responded to false allegations laid upon their accredited university? The media has aired this matter through the ages and continually. It has been aired constantly throughout last week and this week. Our students, more so, the graduates are extremely defamed by this time with no defence having ever been sent in their way by the admin. Is the administration any serious? Who is responsible for the woes of the MMUST engineering students?

The EBK communicates any developments regarding accreditation for any institution on the dailies. The EBK has nothing to say about MMUST in the gazette. In a clear understanding of these matters, the Engineering Students Association (ESA), on the 19th of July, 2015, called upon the Engineering Students to suspend their participation in the academic programmes at MMUST until the time will come when these programmes are all accredited and publicly gazetted by the EBK. This letter which was addressed to the students was copied to the University Senate, the Dean of Engineering Faculty and the Ministry of Education, Science and Technology.

When the VC called me yesterday, it was the first call ever that he was making to since we took office in April. ESA has kept him updated about the troubles of the engineering students. He has been fully aware of the situation on the ground with all of the heat amongst the students. We have written up to four letters addressing these hefty matters but we has never received any response from him. He has said one thing repeatedly through WhatsApp, “tell the students to keep calm.’’ This is regardless of all that is herein aforementioned. Apart from this, the VC gave information outward to the students which is not supported by any official document reporting the EBK feedback.

In the phone call that he made, the VC only aimed at threatening ESA, seeking to intimidate us, to manipulate us and to use us in the fight against EBK. All records lie with ESA which support any stand we take. The greatest perpetrator of the woes of the students is the VC of the university who is in charge of the administration. If anything in this report should be wrong, let Professor Otieno challenge it.

And for all matters herein contained we ardently are advising the students who are prospecting to join MMUST for engineering to suspend all of their prospects not to go through these very woes. We are advising the Kenya Universities and Colleges Central Placement Service (KUCCPS) and the Ministry of Education, Science and Technology to redirect the admission of these students to other universities within Kenya which are already EBK accredited in their undergraduate engineering programmes.

We wish to let the nation and the world know that we have taken all of the steps herein mentioned to see to it that we will get EBK accredited. We call upon the well-wishers in these matter to join us in our quest. We are seeking that our administration should get our courses to be EBK accredited. Let the university produce official, original documents supporting claims that it is making any progress in this matter. We seek that the nation should question our administration thoroughly over this matter.

Dear Kenyans also beware of the fact that official and original (unedited) documents from EBK should be the indicators of any progress. The EBK communicates to the nation through gazetted public notices. We are waiting for communication declari

BROTATO CHIPS.

Knowledge is power and most men are powerless when it comes to cooking anything other than ugali.But don't thou fret misters ; I've got your backs like a turtle shell.Lemme take this moment broment and present to you a manual  explaining step  by step on  how to make potato brotato chips.

Ladies today you are not involved. Just grab some popcorn and watch in awe as I kick knowledge into my clueless Bros. 

          Requirements.
a. Be fungry i.e f****ing hungry(the state whereby you wish you could copy food and  paste it in your stomach)
b. Potatoes
c. Cooking oil

          Procedure
1. Close the kitchen door tightly behind you. 

2.Kick the dustbin out of place.

3.Look for a sharp knife. Okay, so you only own a butter knife, hehe, this is gonna be fun.

4. Peel the potatoes one by one. Pause after every 30 seconds to lick the miscellaneous cuts on your hand. 

5.Kick the dustbin back into its place. 

6.Pour some oil into the frying pan and place it on the cooker. Wait for the oil to boil. 

7.Drop the potatoes  into the oil and get 3rd degree burns from the splashing oil. 

8.Rush and dip your hands into cold water while wondering why bad things happen to good people.

9.Rush back to the pan and realize that you didn't not even cut the  potatoes into pieces and you are frying them whole.

10.Change of plans:you now decide that you are  cooking mashed potatoes. 

11.Hunger pangs are now physically attacking you .So you decide  to go to your neighbours and boil an egg as the potatoes get cooked. 

12.Ah! So the neighbour has a microwave,surely  if one is careful enough he can cook an egg using a microwave. 

13.Your neighbour is sceptical about your  idea but your swear by your grandmother's dress that  you've tried it before.

14. 1minute,2 minutes ,3minutes.... 

15.Kaboooom!

16.''Please don't kill us, we don't even like Kenya that much'',you both scream thinking it's the Alshabaab. 

15. After a few minutes of not being dead, you look around and realize that it was the microwave. 

16.The neighbour  opens the microwave and  finds  its inside  decorated with a mosaic pattern of egg yolk and shell pieces. 

17."Ngamia hii kesho uniletee hii microwave ikiwa safi," says the irate neighbour as he hands it  to you. You feel like hurling an angry bird towards him but you quickly remember that  you are  the guilty party. 

18.You do the walk of shame back to your room, microwave in hand. 

19.Your walk of shame turns into a sprint  for  there is smell of burning potatoes coming from your house. 

20.You find that all the potatoes are burnt. 

21.Yeah,the Devil is real. 

22.You decide to call and seek help from your girlfriend.... (Oh, ladies my apologies, you were actually involved).

23.You then remember that she doesn't even know how to cook.

24.Before I go any  further I must tell you something :dude you  are in a gay relationship. 

25.You then give up and go to sleep still very fungry. 

    
Bromygoodness!

BIBLICAL BADASSES.

The bible is one book full of interesting stories and happenings especially in the Old Testament.In these stories there exist some characters full of outstanding qualities, courage and sheer badassery.Here are a few:

                                                                1.NOAH
It`s not because he was the first brewer on the  land (although that was quite something.. hehe) but due to the making of the ark.
This guy was told by God to make an ark that could accommodate his family together with every creature and its girlfriend.Most people under this pressure would have complained to God that they were being punished for being righteous.
People mocked him but he feigned nonchalance and when the floods came, he could not hear their cries over his laughter all the way to mount Aratat.

``Amateurs build the ark,professionals built the Titanic"-still one of my favourite quotes. 

                                                                   
                                                              2. MOSES
Though a stammerer, Moses rose to become one of the most famous people in the old testament.
He first killed an Egyptian and buried him in sand then later confronted the Pharaoh and demanded for the freedom of his people Mandela- style.

The Pharaoh gave empty promises (just like the Kenyan politicians)for some time until God decided to use Moses to teach the whole of Egypt Cha mtema kuni 101.By the time the 10 plagues were over, the Pharaoh was begging Moses to take the Israelites and go away. 

The Pharaoh later pursued the Israelites and unfortunately caught up with them at the Red Sea.The Israelites panicked like a student with the wrong mwakenya in an exam room but Moses parted the waters avatar - fashion and everyone crossed. Pharaoh and his armies got swept away as they tried to cross.

Moses  later presented the 10 commandments to the people on a tablet(not a Samsung or a Techno but a stone tablet!).

 The fact that Moses didn't make it to the promised land of Canaan shows how man has little control over his destiny. 

                                                                3.JOSHUA.
Joshua asked God to make the sun stand still so that the Israelites could kick some Amorite ass all day long. This is remembered in history as the first time  the good Lord ever listened to man. 

                                                                 4.DAVID.
He is known as the greatest king ever in  Israel and as an ancestor to the Messiah.

David was a man of many talents. When not killing bears and lions for fun as a Shepherd, he was in the battle field killing very tall people. When it came to Lingala ya Yesu, he had moves like jagger and played the harp like no body's business.

As a king he was a good military commander and his KDF was on a winning streak which would make the Invincibles'  unbeaten run look like a child's play. 

David later angered the lord when he killed Uriah and took his wife. Moral of the story:being a member of Team Mafisi ain't good. 

                                                              5.SOLOMON.
The genius of the Old Testament. Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Bill Gates or the guys who invented m-pesa (or whatsapp) have got nothing on Solomon.

Yeah, Solomon was a fountain of Wisdom. This is seen from how he handled the case involving two ladies where one of them wanted a 'mtoto nusu' (some Kenyan politician might even have gotten his mkate nusu idea from this story... Hehe).

Furthermore he wrote the book of Proverbs which contains wisdom of unfathomable immensity . Need I say how the book of  Song of Songs has jengad love-struck guys?

When it came to business, Solomon could sell water to a well. He was a shrewd merchant and his retail ships were all over the seas making good profits. 

And how did Solomon like his women? A lot. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines! Any way with this kind of wisdom no woman can 'curve'  you.Unfortunately this Akuku dangerism would later lead to Solomon's own downfall. 

                                                

                                                                 6.ELIJAH.
While nearly everyone in the Old Testament died the usual way, this guy went to heaven in a chariot of fire. Badassery can't get any better than this. 

                                                                7.SAMSON.
The incredible hulk of the bible and the strongest man to ever exist

.

Samson tore a lion into two and then went ahead to make  a riddle out of it. (I will not say that some Kenya politician may have gotten 'kitendawili'  ideas from here).In another account whereby the Philistines had  captured him, Samson wrung the chains apart making them snap like cotton twines and proceeded to give 10,000 full grown men a thorough beating with just a donkey skull. 

For you guys  who think you are superheroes for helping  your family chase around one chicken during Christmas, check this out:Samson captured 300 foxes, tied them together, set them on Fire and drove them into Philistines wheat fields... Hehe. 

Samson wasn't to shave because his strength was in his hair(I aint shaving soon either;not that I am a nazirite but because of this cold Eldoret weather). He later encountered  the charming Delilah(Hope kid knows her too well) who put some mchele in his drink. He woke up later clean shaved like the Ogopa deejays logo and as weak as Liverpool's defense.

The Philistines then took off his eyes and tortured him for some years. He made a comeback by killing himself together with 3000 Philistines when he demolished their temple. 

                                                                   8.ABRAHAM.
The legendary father of faith.If having faith smelt bad then this man Abraham was stinking. 

First he agreed to move away  from the land of his birth to Canaan which was unknown to him.Most Kenyans in this case would have  first demanded to be compensated for this `eviction.'

Later Abraham would attempt to sacrifice his only son Isaac at Mount Moriah  making God Himself admit that He Had never seen a man so full faith. 

PS:If by any way I find beforehand that my father is planning to try this kind of stuff on me (God forbid!) I will silently pack at night and flee to Kismayu.

                                                             9.ZACCHEAUS.
This guy was compensating his lack of height by overtaxing and stealing from the poor.Zaccheaus would make the Kenyan Kanjos look like  Saints. 

After encountering Jesus, Zaccheaus become changed and promised to pay four-fold any money he had robbed the poor. Life would be better if Kenyan politicians emulated the same if found guilty of stealing from the public instead of saying the usual crap of '' money has been poured to finish me politically."

There is this quote I heard from a certain 2nd year student which I wanna use real bad. I don't care whether it's  relevant or not as far as  the story of Zaccheaus' conversion is concerned. ''A short man is not a boy. ''

147 NOT JUST A NUMBER.

It was heartbreaking to see fellow comrades in Garissa die at the ruthless hands of terrorists. The tragedy left me sad as a university student and made the pendulum of my feelings to swing to the extreme end of hopeless despair.

Everyone was left asking why? Ice Cube in his song `Why me’ expresses this better:

                                                ...Why do you wanna murder me?

                                               Your punk ass never heard of me,

                                                 I never did nuttin` to your family,

                                                Still you wanna kill a young nigga randomly

The great rapper goes on:

                                                      …God gave me this, how you gon` take it?

                                                     What`chu gon` tell Him when you get to heaven,

                                                      And He asks you why did you send back his present?

                                                      ….but just don`t be a coward,

                                                      and take my life, cause you got the power,

                                                      of the white`s man gun powder.

It`s devastating to lose brothers,sisters,daughters,sons,friends,comrades,young Kenyans and fellow human beings in such a manner and number.

Kenyans were further scandalised to witness the unsatisfactory way in which the Government responded to the attack. I hope the Government learns from its mistakes, abandons the usual culture of all talk and no trousers and provides real security to its people.

In as much as the security forces try to protect us, we need to pray for our country. Security and real peace comes from God. Psalms 127:1 sums it all...`unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman watcheth but all in vain.’

Most importantly let`s pray for our departed comrades. Remember them in your daily life; as you pray, read, work, eat, sleep and even when you are at the club just pour out some liquor in their memory.

To the fallen Garissa comrades who are dead and don`t know  why:

                                                  ……as you journey into outer space,

                                                  May the angels help to lead the way,

                                                  May the prayers that our families make,

                                                  Shine up on your souls to keep you safe,

                                                  And as you headed to the tunnel`s light,

                                                  I hope it leads to eternal life.

                                                      Rest in peace.

                                                   Adapted from the song `Smile’ (Tupac featuring Scar face)