MEAL TIME PRAYERS.

Prayers are very crucial.What`s equally crucial is for them to be brief especially if it is before meals.

 When a meal is ready,psychologically we are full of anticipation.Physically,our oral cavities increase their salivary output and our nostrils are at their peak performance picking up the aroma.The only acceptable happy ending for this kind of persecutory build up is a brief prayer and then letting people do justice to the food pronto.

 Lets take a quick look into the anatomy of a standard prayer before a meal.First thank the supreme being you believe in for the constant supply of respiratory substrates. Then conclude by humbly requesting Him to bless the meal so that its metabolism benefits your body(If its junk food,this is the time where you pray for a less severe form of Coronary heart disease or hypertension)

Why in the prayer would you ask the Lord to bless the Kinangop farmers who grew the potatoes we have used for the meal?The fact that we have cooked their potatoes is a sure sign that they got blessed with sales.

Why would one when praying for food decide to thank Jesus for all of the miracles He did in the New Testament?The blind son of Bartimaeus surely deserved getting healed coz he seemed like a nice chap but what the hell has he got to do with the Ugali -Sukuma we are about to eat?

Making lengthy prayers in front of hungry people is like campaigning for an ass whooping.Somebody might just send you to the emergency department of the nearest health facility.Hypoglycemia makes human patience razor thin.

The only exception where one can can pray for long before a meal is when it is well known that the person who prepared the meal is a labbish cook.In every society,there are these people who think they are great cooks while in the real sense they are just food poisoning practitioners.Before eating food cooked by such people,you will surely need to pray about the imminent stomach upset.In fact,in this case pray vehemently until you start foaming at the mouth.

TOOTH BE TOLD.

It's a truth universally acknowledged that white is a nice colour.White is peace. White is purity. White is calmness (except for those all white parties you people attend in clubs, there’s nothing calm about them).

I am not so enthusiastic about white things (ugali doesn't count).Consequently, I have a jaundiced opinion about white clothes; they are the spoilt brats of the clothes fraternity. They get dirty without even trying;simply getting soiled by atmospheric gases.

In my campus life, the only white things in my life have consistently been the classical triad of a Lab coat, books and toilet paper. Two years ago, I decided to add my teeth to this list so I made a visit to the School of Dentistry (SOD).

I had to undergo scaling. It’s a minor procedure which can be done by the senior dental undergraduate students. I had lots of options to choose from from the dental class of finalists that year and after a thorough vetting, I had 3 closely tied candidates.

The 1^st candidate was my neighbour, a very dedicated chap but I didn't like his Afro, so he was out. The next guy; a good friend ,was a well-built bloke and that made me fear that he would pluck out my jaw during the procedure. So he was also out.

The last guy was the perfect candidate; no ridiculous Afro and he was not extremely muscular. Even much better, he was my roommate back in our junior years. I looked for him and made an appointment.

The day of the procedure I went very early to SOD and found my guy ready. 

He was twirling some dental instrument like a cow boy holstering a revolver, just to establish dominance. He was also smiling suspiciously. These two acts got me worried that may be he was using the procedure as an opportunity to settle old scores. You see, back when we were roommates he had lend me some 50 bob and each time he tried to demand for it I got instant deafness(My name is DENIs, how do you expect me to pay a deni?)

I prayed hard that the young dentist didn't inject something lethal into my gums making all my teeth fall off like the flowers of a jacaranda tree.

 Surprisingly, there was no any crying or gnashing of teeth on my part. Most likely my good pal had forgotten all about his 50 bob.

We were told many things in our child hood. Some of the things turned out to be a scam. Taking care of our teeth is not one of them. Whatever you heard about dental hygiene as a child most likely still remains true even as you adult. Try to practice it.

"Always be kind to your dentists, they too have fillings."-John Kibogoyo.

THE CIRCULAR FLOW OF INCOME.

You put your hand in your pockets;they feel very empty except for your gonads.You are so broke that whenever somebody calls you 'bro' you get angry coz you think that's short form for broke.

1.You call a friend.You explain to him how you've been trying to love money but money hasn't been loving you back,you only see her with other guys.You further inform him how you are planning to go to bed for supper.He sends you cash via mobile money transfer.

2.You start dancing.

3.Your phone vibrates.You stop dancing.Several whatsapp messages.They are from the group 'sure bets'.

4.Someone has just shared some odds and he's swearing by his grandmother's dress that they are 1000% sure.

5.Suddenly you don't feel hungry anymore.The money you got from your friend finds itself in one of the local betting sites.

6.Bet placed.You decide to nap to conserve the remaining little energy.

7.You dream that you  are eating some sweet loaf of bread.You wake up 2hrs later only to realise that you have been chewing your own matress.

8.You open the live score app.All the games on your multibet have won except for one which is still in progress.The good news is that that one remaining team(let's call it Tialala Fc) is 2-0 up at half time.

9.50th minute,65th minute,70th minute;Tialala Fc are still two nil up.

10.You realise that you are on the verge of winning a tidy sum of money.You mentally start making a to-buy list.

11."Hi beautiful",you text the chic upstairs.

12.10 minutes later she hasn't replied.May be she used a pigeon to reply or she sent a smoke signal.You check outside, there's no smoke coming out of her room.You don't see any pigeon either outside.

13."Hi",she finally replies.

14."Busy tonight?"You text back at the speed of light.

15."No ",she replies."Feel like going out?I'l cater for everything"

16."Really?""Yeah,believe me sweery,I gat enough to feed the needy."

17."O.k,handsome,Iam in."Handsome? Wasn't it the other day that this same chic claimed that you are as ugly as a duckling?Anyway yaliyondwele sipite.

18.While you are busy texting the Devil gets a call."Yo' boss,agent demon 666 here.Our man on the ground reports  that some dude from Kenya is 5 minutes away from winning a hefty sum through betting."

19."Kenya?""Yes boss,that country in Africa whose citizens elect millionaires who then appoint other millionaires to try and fix the system that made them millionaires."

20."Oh!I remember that country.I will take care of that dude fam."

21.Your phone vibrates.A notification from the livescore app.Tialala Fc have conceded a goal.It's the 89th minute,no worries.

22.Phone vibrates again.Tialala Fc better not have conceded another goal.

23.Tialala Fc have conceded another goal.92nd minute.

24.Phone vibrates.Full time score 2-2.

25.Phone rings.It's the chic from upstairs."Hello,I'm ready let's go."

26.You want to put your phone into a blender and crush it but you quickly remember you don't own a blender.It was in the mental  to-buy list.

27.A whatsapp message from the group sure bet.It's the guy who shared the 1000% sure odds.He says that he's very sorry.If only you could get him you would hit him so hard with your right hand that he would beg you to use your left.

28.Meanwhile your hunger has resurfaced.You stomach growls loudly;so loudly that your neighbour texts your "brathe punguza volume ya woofer."You want to go over and hit him in the face with a meat tenderizer .You remember you don't own a meat tenderizer.Just like the blender,it was in the to buy list.

29.Elsewhere,the Devil is having fun."Hahaha!"He laughs as he slaps his knee."Honey what's funny?",asks his wife."Nothing,just work related stuff.""Come to bed,I'm cold.""Cold?But we are in hell!"His wife gives him an angry stare."O.k,I'm coming,lemme first change my whatsapp status.

30.The Devil then changes his whatsapp status from 'Uhuruto tano tena' to 'Good day in office'.