BIBLICAL BADASSES.

The bible is one book full of interesting stories and happenings especially in the Old Testament.In these stories there exist some characters full of outstanding qualities, courage and sheer badassery.Here are a few:

                                                                1.NOAH
It`s not because he was the first brewer on the  land (although that was quite something.. hehe) but due to the making of the ark.
This guy was told by God to make an ark that could accommodate his family together with every creature and its girlfriend.Most people under this pressure would have complained to God that they were being punished for being righteous.
People mocked him but he feigned nonchalance and when the floods came, he could not hear their cries over his laughter all the way to mount Aratat.

``Amateurs build the ark,professionals built the Titanic"-still one of my favourite quotes. 

                                                                   
                                                              2. MOSES
Though a stammerer, Moses rose to become one of the most famous people in the old testament.
He first killed an Egyptian and buried him in sand then later confronted the Pharaoh and demanded for the freedom of his people Mandela- style.

The Pharaoh gave empty promises (just like the Kenyan politicians)for some time until God decided to use Moses to teach the whole of Egypt Cha mtema kuni 101.By the time the 10 plagues were over, the Pharaoh was begging Moses to take the Israelites and go away. 

The Pharaoh later pursued the Israelites and unfortunately caught up with them at the Red Sea.The Israelites panicked like a student with the wrong mwakenya in an exam room but Moses parted the waters avatar - fashion and everyone crossed. Pharaoh and his armies got swept away as they tried to cross.

Moses  later presented the 10 commandments to the people on a tablet(not a Samsung or a Techno but a stone tablet!).

 The fact that Moses didn't make it to the promised land of Canaan shows how man has little control over his destiny. 

                                                                3.JOSHUA.
Joshua asked God to make the sun stand still so that the Israelites could kick some Amorite ass all day long. This is remembered in history as the first time  the good Lord ever listened to man. 

                                                                 4.DAVID.
He is known as the greatest king ever in  Israel and as an ancestor to the Messiah.

David was a man of many talents. When not killing bears and lions for fun as a Shepherd, he was in the battle field killing very tall people. When it came to Lingala ya Yesu, he had moves like jagger and played the harp like no body's business.

As a king he was a good military commander and his KDF was on a winning streak which would make the Invincibles'  unbeaten run look like a child's play. 

David later angered the lord when he killed Uriah and took his wife. Moral of the story:being a member of Team Mafisi ain't good. 

                                                              5.SOLOMON.
The genius of the Old Testament. Albert Einstein, Leonardo da Vinci, Bill Gates or the guys who invented m-pesa (or whatsapp) have got nothing on Solomon.

Yeah, Solomon was a fountain of Wisdom. This is seen from how he handled the case involving two ladies where one of them wanted a 'mtoto nusu' (some Kenyan politician might even have gotten his mkate nusu idea from this story... Hehe).

Furthermore he wrote the book of Proverbs which contains wisdom of unfathomable immensity . Need I say how the book of  Song of Songs has jengad love-struck guys?

When it came to business, Solomon could sell water to a well. He was a shrewd merchant and his retail ships were all over the seas making good profits. 

And how did Solomon like his women? A lot. He had 700 wives and 300 concubines! Any way with this kind of wisdom no woman can 'curve'  you.Unfortunately this Akuku dangerism would later lead to Solomon's own downfall. 

                                                

                                                                 6.ELIJAH.
While nearly everyone in the Old Testament died the usual way, this guy went to heaven in a chariot of fire. Badassery can't get any better than this. 

                                                                7.SAMSON.
The incredible hulk of the bible and the strongest man to ever exist

.

Samson tore a lion into two and then went ahead to make  a riddle out of it. (I will not say that some Kenya politician may have gotten 'kitendawili'  ideas from here).In another account whereby the Philistines had  captured him, Samson wrung the chains apart making them snap like cotton twines and proceeded to give 10,000 full grown men a thorough beating with just a donkey skull. 

For you guys  who think you are superheroes for helping  your family chase around one chicken during Christmas, check this out:Samson captured 300 foxes, tied them together, set them on Fire and drove them into Philistines wheat fields... Hehe. 

Samson wasn't to shave because his strength was in his hair(I aint shaving soon either;not that I am a nazirite but because of this cold Eldoret weather). He later encountered  the charming Delilah(Hope kid knows her too well) who put some mchele in his drink. He woke up later clean shaved like the Ogopa deejays logo and as weak as Liverpool's defense.

The Philistines then took off his eyes and tortured him for some years. He made a comeback by killing himself together with 3000 Philistines when he demolished their temple. 

                                                                   8.ABRAHAM.
The legendary father of faith.If having faith smelt bad then this man Abraham was stinking. 

First he agreed to move away  from the land of his birth to Canaan which was unknown to him.Most Kenyans in this case would have  first demanded to be compensated for this `eviction.'

Later Abraham would attempt to sacrifice his only son Isaac at Mount Moriah  making God Himself admit that He Had never seen a man so full faith. 

PS:If by any way I find beforehand that my father is planning to try this kind of stuff on me (God forbid!) I will silently pack at night and flee to Kismayu.

                                                             9.ZACCHEAUS.
This guy was compensating his lack of height by overtaxing and stealing from the poor.Zaccheaus would make the Kenyan Kanjos look like  Saints. 

After encountering Jesus, Zaccheaus become changed and promised to pay four-fold any money he had robbed the poor. Life would be better if Kenyan politicians emulated the same if found guilty of stealing from the public instead of saying the usual crap of '' money has been poured to finish me politically."

There is this quote I heard from a certain 2nd year student which I wanna use real bad. I don't care whether it's  relevant or not as far as  the story of Zaccheaus' conversion is concerned. ''A short man is not a boy. ''

147 NOT JUST A NUMBER.

It was heartbreaking to see fellow comrades in Garissa die at the ruthless hands of terrorists. The tragedy left me sad as a university student and made the pendulum of my feelings to swing to the extreme end of hopeless despair.

Everyone was left asking why? Ice Cube in his song `Why me’ expresses this better:

                                                ...Why do you wanna murder me?

                                               Your punk ass never heard of me,

                                                 I never did nuttin` to your family,

                                                Still you wanna kill a young nigga randomly

The great rapper goes on:

                                                      …God gave me this, how you gon` take it?

                                                     What`chu gon` tell Him when you get to heaven,

                                                      And He asks you why did you send back his present?

                                                      ….but just don`t be a coward,

                                                      and take my life, cause you got the power,

                                                      of the white`s man gun powder.

It`s devastating to lose brothers,sisters,daughters,sons,friends,comrades,young Kenyans and fellow human beings in such a manner and number.

Kenyans were further scandalised to witness the unsatisfactory way in which the Government responded to the attack. I hope the Government learns from its mistakes, abandons the usual culture of all talk and no trousers and provides real security to its people.

In as much as the security forces try to protect us, we need to pray for our country. Security and real peace comes from God. Psalms 127:1 sums it all...`unless the Lord guards the city, the watchman watcheth but all in vain.’

Most importantly let`s pray for our departed comrades. Remember them in your daily life; as you pray, read, work, eat, sleep and even when you are at the club just pour out some liquor in their memory.

To the fallen Garissa comrades who are dead and don`t know  why:

                                                  ……as you journey into outer space,

                                                  May the angels help to lead the way,

                                                  May the prayers that our families make,

                                                  Shine up on your souls to keep you safe,

                                                  And as you headed to the tunnel`s light,

                                                  I hope it leads to eternal life.

                                                      Rest in peace.

                                                   Adapted from the song `Smile’ (Tupac featuring Scar face)

                                          

                                                                               

COMRADES AND LIQOUR.

Liquor and most campus students are like Bonnie and Clyde; inseparable. The following are categories of some of the likely responses you would get if you decided to go round campus asking comrades why they take booze:

1.       Lenga stress: `Sometimes I need some bubbles for my troubles.`

                                                                                                                                                

2.       Power struggle: `It`s crucial that from time to time I remind my liver who the boss is.`

3.       Nutrition: `Alcohol has a higher number of calories compared to tea or coffee. `

4.       Mourinho`s tactics: `It requires you to take some drinks to make the chapanese chics in the club  look approachable.`

5.       Patriotism: `Kenya is a drinking nation.`

                                                                      

6.       Fashion: “Sometimes I need the colour of my eyes to match with that of my red tie.`

                                                                   

                                                                   
       

7.       Medical: `Alcohol is an antiseptic and I think I have internal wounds.`

8.       Religion: `I like being filled with the spirit(s)`

                                                   

9.       Romance: `I am in love with (read addicted to) frothy liquids.` 


10. You will never walk again:I drink because I am a Liverpool fan`

11. Vengeance:`Nakunywa tu kuudhi Mututho.`

12. Chemistry:`Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.`

Yeah, comrades will give bizarre reasons as to why they take pleasure in drinking. The fact that this kind of lifestyle leaves behind traumatised livers and bleeding wallets does not seem to faze them.