RED LABELS.

There is a wide variety of liquor available in the kenyan market to any imbiber who's willing and able to buy. Some of this stuff is of superb quality. The remaining lot (based on statistics from whiskeypedia)remains to be questioned.Let's talk about the latter.

First , I have a bone to pick with the drinks' manufacturers. False advertisement.For instance you can't just brag to the public how your product is as smooth as the tongue of a snake, only for consumers to find out otherwise.

 Secondly,I think these drinks should come with labels hinting their likely side effects. Here are some  few examples how some of the labels should read:

1. 1000% bile. 
This should be put on all those drinks that taste like Quinine.
A good drink is supposed to have a gentle bitterness that one can languish and luxuriate in. What most of these drinks have is another kind of bitterness;one which is poignant, piercing and leaves you teary.

2. Maini/nyama choma. 
This label should be put on the drinks that are known not to interact well with human tissue.
Legend(no pun intended) has it that in Kenya,most of these drinks are taken  while leaning towards the left side so that they don't get to your liver.

3. Don't drink and walk(or even sit).
This label should be included on the drinks that are known to cause acute flaccid paralysis.The ones that make your musculoskeletal system do the Mannequin challenge after just a few sips.

4.Jet fuel. 
Drinks which make the user think that he/she can defy gravity should have the above label.It would then not come out as a surprise when the drinker starts climbing on top of furniture while singing 'I believe I can fly'. 

5. Isaac Ruto challenge accepted.
This label should be on those drinks that lead you to all sort of trouble;insults, assaults. Drinks which make you produce sonorous and ceaseless cries as you perambulate the dark streets. Cries which are music to the ears of cops and robbers alike.

6.Kamnyweso project fame.
This should be put in bold on those drinks which make people think that they are Busta Rhymes while in real sense they sound like Worsta Rhymes.

7. Visions.
This should be on every liquor bottle containing any stuff that can make you see , think and/or  feel(nonexistent)things. Am talking about strange thoughts and behaviour. From you thinking that you are engaged to Ngina Kenyatta(harusinations) to going to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet bowl and then you start looking for  a safety belt.

8. Utachesa ni ka umepigwa radi.
A huge label bearing the above words should be put on every liquor that makes you think that you can dance. You hit the dance floor with moves which drunk you thinks are like Jagger's, only for sober you to later see a clip of your dancing, and realise that you had moves like a jigger.

9.The antifunny liquid. 
This label I think should be on almost every drink. Then it would act as a warning that that any one  who sips them will start churning out lame jokes. Jokes so dry that no amount of KLY jelly in the world can help redeem them

1O. Bad decision juice.
All drinks deserve to have this label.In this case then you will have nobody to blame if you make awful life decisions.Decisions like calling your mom at midnight asking her why she doesn't  have any children.



PS:Excuse my vodkabulary.