THROW BACK.

                  NJAAnuary is still on and as usual people are still walking in the valley of  the shadow of ``brokeness".This is the month where most Kenyans sit down and remember with nostalgia how they ``ate" money as if it was fried during DecemBAR.So as I joined fellow sufferers to reminiscence the `good old days'(holidays) my mind took a trip down memory lane and I remembered an incident which occurred in December 2013. Some random story.

                I will not start by taking the already beaten path of `once upon a time ',instead I  will go straight and hit the nail on the nail or the thumb on the nail whichever it is.Here we go.

                I respect snakes. Any creature that can kill you within minutes deserves out most respect e.g:lion,elephant,Nyeri women e.t.c.Snakes are scaly,scary and legless creatures.God knows what would happen if snakes had legs or wings(or could read blogs!).

                  When I see a snake out there minding its own business I usually feign nonchalance and I won`t even dare lift a finger(or a rock) unless I suspect it supports Manchester United Football Club or that it may be a private developer.

                  My beef with the private developer kind of snakes is for their disrespect and sheer notoriety.They invade your house and when you tried to chase them they bite and teargas you with spit.Due to this ,every time I see a private developer wannabe kind of a snake I immediately turn into Al Capone:``I want him DEAD!I want his family DEAD!I want his  house burned to the GROUND!I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I WANNA PISS ON HIS ASHES!"

                 Back to the story.So one Saturday morning in  December 2013 I killed a cobralet or whatever a small cobra is called.My brother and  I were waiting for my sister to come out of the house;we were going somewhere I think.Suddenly there was some commotion followed by loud screams from the house.We rushed inside to find my sister asking our now shaken mom questions like ``iko wapi?Umeumwa?"

                Our mom then pointed to a nearby shoe and claimed that she had felt some snake wiggle inside when she tried to put it on(#OccupyShoe)

                I inspected her leg for any signs of snake bite and found out that she was alright.Next I looked for a stone the size of Vincent Company`s head and then came and turned the `grabbed' shoe upside down.

              Out came a cobra.It immediately started swelling ready to teargas any `demonstrater'.What I can say is that the cobra went to snake heaven without knowing what had killed it.

              I then took the remaining pulp of a snake and hung it on a bush to serve as a warning to the other living members of the cobra fraternity that  I ain't the type of human being made for them to start messing with.

COBES.

In Moi University College of Health Sciences` offices COBES is an acronym for Community Based Education and Services.However in the hostels,COBES means something entirely different;it refers to the communal sharing of items among  neighbours.Nearly every guy knows and has participated in COBES(hostel version) at least once.I don`t know about the ladies.

The following are the most COBESed items:

                                                                 1.Utensils.
When a neighbour comes at midnight and asks ``mko na sufuria safi?",the standard response is to point towards the dish rack and the needy fella calmly shops for a clean sufuria.You are not troubled because sooner or later it will be your turn to visit and shop and you are sure you will execute it with unrelenting vengeance .

                                                                2.Food.
When caught devouring some rare meal by a neighbour or a  friend,you pray hard that the guy has  already eaten.Unfortunately in most cases the guy is usually hungrier than a Kenyan MCA and there is usually no happy ending to his visit.

 ``Hii nyama inakaa tamu.''...*Scoop*...``Na mbona umekatakata ugali hadi ikakaa exercise book ya hesabu?"...*Mother of all scoops*...And before you can scream `Kanyari',50%+1 of your food is gone.

             

                            
                                                         3.Sugar.
During the exams period,the amount of caffeine intake in most rooms is capable of killing a small mammal .Consequently the half life of a kilo of sugar in this period is around 24 hours.

When you go sugar shopping and your sugarless neighbours get wikileaks of it,hehe,you are so screwed!On your return you will find a crowd of excited neighbours at your door with large mugs.Of course you will try to act smart and give them a `health talk'  on how `sugar' causes `diabetes'  but your efforts will be as useless as letter `T' in the word tsetse.

                                                           4.Miscellaneous items.
When in need of a random item like shoe polish,shoe brush or even slippers(COBESing of slippers has reached alarming levels),you just get them from the nearest room.Therefore don`t get shocked if you pass by and hear somebody tell his neighbor something like ``buda niko na brush hapa ,uko na kiwi?"

Acceptable degree of COBES ain't that bad after all.I have witnessed COBES save lives especially when there is delayed disbursement of reading allowance(read HELB).Let he who has not benefited at all from COBES cast the first stone.

Have a COBES-free day.

                                    

BARBER YAO.

During the holidays I attended my cousin`s wedding which was held in Machachussets town(formerly called Machakos).I had decided not to shave for the wedding for reasons I don`t even know  myself.

Some few minutes before the wedding I met my mother whom I had not seen for over a month.She was excited and very friendly until she noticed my ndengu -like hair.She commented  how my hair resembled goat droppings and went ahead to loudly wonder whether  I was pursuing Medicine or witchcraft back at campus(she may have not used these actual words but you get how  disgusted she was back there)

I went around looking for a decent barber shop and found myself in one which was a barber shop and a saloon at the same damn time.There was a lady inside .The minute I saw her  my body immediately went into a fright and flight mode(the last time I had an encounter with a female barber I was left looking like a Alopecia areata patient)

The lady sensed my uneasiness and proceeded to assure me that she was as good as any barber can be.I chose to believe her.

On close inspection,I noticed that my potential barber was phat.She had the typical Kamba type of beauty:medium height,light skin and smiling eyes.She had also a 20,000 megawatt smile,the kind that makes you give out your wallet unconsciously.I would have described her further but I lack the lexis to describe other things without sounding obscene.

So like a lamb being led on  for slaughter, I took a sit and made myself at home."How do you wish to be shaved?"This voice at close range sounded like pure dripping honey mixed with nectar and sukari nguru.I mumbled something.She then inspected the shaving machine and then gently started doing her thing.

Usually when being shaved(by ndumes),my mind wanders from Arsenal, to food, to  Ariana Grande and to any other random stuff.This time my thoughts were collected and highly organised.I was thinking about world peace,the cure for cancer,green energy,North Korea`s dangerous nuclear policies among many other sophisticated topics.

After she was through,she shampooed my head making it feel like it had undergone some kind of  moulting.By the time she was applying the aftershave, I felt so calm that I nearly broke into a song.On looking in the mirror, my new hair cut was cooler than a polar bear`s toe nail.She was good.

I asked for the price and she said ``Thirty." ``Thirty thousand?",I was ready to convince my father to sell a piece of land.``No, thirty bob."I could not believe it.I think I even attempted looking around for any hidden cameras from Naswa.Finally still in disbelief, I paid her and it was with much effort that I managed to get out of that barber shop.

Jokes aside, this encounter with a competent  lady barber made me look back and appreciate how far we have come as a society.