RED LABELS.

There is a wide variety of liquor available in the kenyan market to any imbiber who's willing and able to buy. Some of this stuff is of superb quality. The remaining lot (based on statistics from whiskeypedia)remains to be questioned.Let's talk about the latter.

First , I have a bone to pick with the drinks' manufacturers. False advertisement.For instance you can't just brag to the public how your product is as smooth as the tongue of a snake, only for consumers to find out otherwise.

 Secondly,I think these drinks should come with labels hinting their likely side effects. Here are some  few examples how some of the labels should read:

1. 1000% bile. 
This should be put on all those drinks that taste like Quinine.
A good drink is supposed to have a gentle bitterness that one can languish and luxuriate in. What most of these drinks have is another kind of bitterness;one which is poignant, piercing and leaves you teary.

2. Maini/nyama choma. 
This label should be put on the drinks that are known not to interact well with human tissue.
Legend(no pun intended) has it that in Kenya,most of these drinks are taken  while leaning towards the left side so that they don't get to your liver.

3. Don't drink and walk(or even sit).
This label should be included on the drinks that are known to cause acute flaccid paralysis.The ones that make your musculoskeletal system do the Mannequin challenge after just a few sips.

4.Jet fuel. 
Drinks which make the user think that he/she can defy gravity should have the above label.It would then not come out as a surprise when the drinker starts climbing on top of furniture while singing 'I believe I can fly'. 

5. Isaac Ruto challenge accepted.
This label should be on those drinks that lead you to all sort of trouble;insults, assaults. Drinks which make you produce sonorous and ceaseless cries as you perambulate the dark streets. Cries which are music to the ears of cops and robbers alike.

6.Kamnyweso project fame.
This should be put in bold on those drinks which make people think that they are Busta Rhymes while in real sense they sound like Worsta Rhymes.

7. Visions.
This should be on every liquor bottle containing any stuff that can make you see , think and/or  feel(nonexistent)things. Am talking about strange thoughts and behaviour. From you thinking that you are engaged to Ngina Kenyatta(harusinations) to going to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet bowl and then you start looking for  a safety belt.

8. Utachesa ni ka umepigwa radi.
A huge label bearing the above words should be put on every liquor that makes you think that you can dance. You hit the dance floor with moves which drunk you thinks are like Jagger's, only for sober you to later see a clip of your dancing, and realise that you had moves like a jigger.

9.The antifunny liquid. 
This label I think should be on almost every drink. Then it would act as a warning that that any one  who sips them will start churning out lame jokes. Jokes so dry that no amount of KLY jelly in the world can help redeem them

1O. Bad decision juice.
All drinks deserve to have this label.In this case then you will have nobody to blame if you make awful life decisions.Decisions like calling your mom at midnight asking her why she doesn't  have any children.



PS:Excuse my vodkabulary.

HARUSINATIONS.

The other day I was perambulating among the shelves in some supermarket looking for the smallest available quantity of toothpaste.As I attempted to bend down and pick the toothpaste,I heard somebody greet me from behind.I nearly broke my neck while trying to quickly turn and see the owner of such a sultry voice.
 
The owner didn't disappoint; she was phat.

I shook her hand and she felt delicate like a baby dolphin.She also had those smiling eyes,the type that shouldn't be closed even when the owner is sleeping.

The owners' of that supermarket were very lucky that she wasn't in the the frozen stuff section coz she would have already melted everything.

She asked me if I could direct her to the beverages section to which I wholeheartedly agreed.Off we went. She picked up some tins which of course I didn't even notice what they contained coz  I was busy having some ophthalmic nutrition.

She thanked me and wished me nice shopping.Which shopping?I told her how I was on my way from the electronics section and had got captivated by the design of the packaging in the toothpaste section where she had found me.I went on to lament how those TVs in that supermarket were too small for my liking.I then expressed how I wouldn't mind but help her continue shopping considering that I had finished my business in that supermarket.She smiled,a smile that could kick Malaria out of Africa,and agreed.

We got on like a house on fire and in a moment we were talking about random stuff.For instance I remember boasting being the great grandson to the legendary Mbau Nzyuko,a man who was known for his cool hobbies like stitching up broken eggs and milking buffaloes while sitting on a python.

With the only 'gal'  in my life being my gallbladder,I saw no harm in exchanging contacts with the lovely lady.I was on the verge making such a suggestion when my alarm went off.I woke up diaphoretic.

I lay in bed for most of that morning debating with myself whether it was witchcraft or sheer ill-fate that a dream so promising got brutally cut short.

Since then I have been hoping that this dream comes back.Unfortunately, all I have been having are night mares and night terrors;from Alexis Sanchez suffering a season long-injury to Donald Trump winning the U.S.A elections.

I haven't given up yet though .My 'dream' is still valid.

BAD DAY.

If you are a Kenyan,unless you live under a rock or encased in a soundproof bubble wrap,chances are that you have at one time heard about the HELB students' loan reading allowance.

Research has shown that this money is cursed,or how else can you explain the insatiable urge to spend that follows the disbursement of this money into students' accounts?Why can't this money last even for a fortnight?

A few weeks ago,rumours had emerged that something was in our bank accounts.At that period,I was walking in the valley of the shadow of "brokeness" so I treated those rumours with utmost seriousness.

On that day,I went to bed earlier than usual coz earlier to bed,earlier to rise and earlier to arrive at the ATM the next morning.I was planning to wake up before the proverbial early bird.

With such kind of good news,you cannot help but have quality dreams.So most of my dreams that night involved me either driving  Ferraris or sipping some aged wine out of chalices while talking to gorgeous dames.

My dreams had reached ecstatic levels when the alarm decided to cut them short.The only thing that prevented me from crushing the alarm was that it was my phone.I then remembered that I had an important matter to attend to and bounded out of my room with Hector Bellerin-ish kind of pace.

I was joined by a fellow comrade who was also going to check the status of  his reading allowance.We sprinted towards the bank.It would have taken more than a bullet to the heart to stop us.

At the ATM the comrade went in first.When he emerged out after a few seconds with eyes the colour of weak tea ,I knew that his account was empty.I went in next and almost fainted coz my account was also empty.As empty as an account can be.I muttered profanities and then walked  out of the ATM crumbled receipt still in my hand.

The comrade asked me whether I got unlucky too.I tried responding in the affirmative but ended up sounding like a rhinoceros suffering from nasal catarrh.

Back at school I decided to use the little money I had left by staking it  in a mshipi(read multi-bet) in one of the local betting sites.That bet ended up being disastrous.The Devil surely was working hard that day.He probably was clocking double shifts on all of his jobs.

For those soulless comrades who at that time started the nasty rumours that HELB money was out,I don't have enough middle fingers to express how I feel about you.

For the betting companies,I swear by Toto's grave that one of these days am gonna make you pay.

PS:Toto was our beloved donkey who died while I was in class five.Still at heart.