PESA PAP.

So you have decided to embrace laziness and wear it around like a comfortable coat, uh? It’s okay, who am I to judge you anyway?

 You can still be rich in Kenya without hard work though .I’ll tell you how.

1. Ask everyone in the country (fellow Kenyans, tourists, foreign diplomats, illegal immigrants …etc.) to give you one shilling each.

2. Join an evil cult whereby you provide them with people they can use as human sacrifice in exchange for money. Start with those people who think that my blog is boring.

3. Strategically erect a sign post advertising yourself as “Daktari kutoka Pemba” (yeah, say Pemba coz Kitui has become too mainstream)

Don’t forget to brag how you cure strange illnesses like “kushindwa kuosha sufuria iliyopikia ugali” .Say also how you make light skin chics reply to men’s texts real quick.Yeah,declare that men will no longer have to wait for text replies like telegrams thanks to your ‘’Dawa. ”

4. Sing a typical Kenyan club banger:

·         Ensure you use a funky beat. 

·         Name the song after a certain body part like “Kisugudi. ”

·         Make sure the lyrics tell us how you use the aforementioned body part to dance to the song.

5. Come up with a fake discovery on the medicinal value of a certain animal product. Make it a wild animal for it to sound more authentic.Ensure it gets good coverage in electronic, print and social media. For example you can claim that recent research has shown that a hippo’s milk makes ones skin smooth like that of a new born baby. Start then selling baby hippos to people at an astronomical price.

6. Join one of the various sports betting sites.

PS: For you to get rich through betting, you will have to pour lots of libation and make uncountable burnt offerings to you ancestors.

7. Have a daughter. Wait till somebody wants to marry her and ask for 5 million shillings coz “apart from being very educated, she knows how to boil water. ”

8.Start selling a concoction that allegedly enlarges bums and widens hips. Use creative business slogans like “nunua chupa nnne,upewe tatu na uongezewe moja.”

9. Change your name to Richard and insist that people call you Rich. Ignore all those who call you Richie.

10. Blog an article briefly giving tips to lazy people on how they can effortlessly get rich. Ask for money for you to give further details on the mentioned tips.

For further details on the above mentioned tips, MPESA a minimum of kshs 500 to 0702931630.

N.B: How many of you are wondering why I haven't used the above tips to get rich myself? Please raise up your hands. Wow! You are many. Now use the hands you have raised to slap yourselves.Mganga hajigangi.

BLUES.

Being on a long holiday and pretty much idle, I was wondering what topic to write about. Apparently Bro Ochola would have been the best choice but I found out  that apart from his sexting athleticism appearing in the wrong forum, there was no any other major thing to write about. I then decided to pick the next trendiest topic: Chelsea FC.Here now I found myself with a lot to write about. From Eva Caneiro’s 50000 megawatts- smile to Diego Costa’s childish behavior despite him having the face of an ancestor.

We all know what has befallen the former champions. The ‘special one’ has lost his  Matic  magic and he seems like he is *Morgan Freeman’s voice*... “taking the club back to the apathetic lemmings and sycophantic dialleth that have run it into the ground.”

I was very shocked to hear Mou say that his career is not in jeopardy.In fact the last time I was this shocked was when I knocked on a public toilet and a strange voice answered “karibu” amidst gasps. The club seems relegation bound and we all know that the club owner; Roman Abramovic, does not tolerate “specialists in failure.”

Personally I don’t know what is ailing Chelsea. But what I know is that watching the blues play of late has been real fun. This is more fun than Sir David Moyes’ era at Man United. I have been thinking of ways to have more fun when the blues are playing. In their next EPL match I will bring a vuvuzela with me and blast it loudly every time the opponent team wins the ball even if it’s a throw-in.Of course I will ensure that I am not within slapping distance.

I have more ideas on other crazier ways of having fun during a Chelsea match but I’ll need to have a bouncer or a working medical insurance cover to try them out.

Before I forget, Arsenal should hire Eva Caneiro.I mean she has got both beauty and de  bruynes brains. We need her at the Emirates by all means; even if it means introducing a 50% pretty Doc bonus in her contract.

Unless something extraordinary like the disqualification of all the other teams in the Premier League happens, the blues will continue seeing blues on the pitch.

As for Mourinho, he Petr Cech himself before he wreck himself.

REJECTION.

Rejection is real and sometimes it can be so serious that it  leaves the victim feeling like an emasculated mass of inanity.While dating,your success as a guy usually depends on an external locus of control;the chic.If  she decides that you are awesome,well and good,the opposite is also true.

 There are many reasons why a guy can get rejected,here are but a few:

• She's taken:she has a boyfriend and she doesn't want to engage in 'handling of stolen goods'

• Foul play:may be she heard some  nasty rumors about you.Unbelievable stuff  like how you are an immediate cousin to Mollis  or your addiction to paediatric  fish(read omena) ...Here is where you find yourself using phrases  like "money has been poured to finish me."

• Lanes:Yeah,we all agree that you are a knight in a shinning armor,but look here man, she wanted a knight in a shinning Hummer .

• She is genuinely not interested:this is a hard one.Infact there are higher chances of Obama catching Jungle fever than you getting lucky. 

• Pride:May be she's interested but coz she has got more ego than Kanye, she can't say yes.Too bad for her.   

                      ......etc

Rejection takes many forms.There are those chics who nicely and frankly tell you what's what(God bless you) and then there is the usual lot which rejects you with astonishing mean-spiritedness.This ranges from texts like 'Yesu ni bwana'(why involve the Messiah ffs ?),statements like "I see you as a brother(or sister..hahaha..*slaps knee*) to indicative whatsapp statuses such as 'IDFWU'.

 Guys have different ways of handling rejection.For instance,some immediately brush it off,others get transient depression while others  do hilarious stuff like making a bucket list with the first item in the list being to fill a bucket with beer.

Crying in front of your buddies coz you got rejected is bullshit bovine crap and any guy guilty of it should be immediately castrated.

Being rejected is part of life and one shouldn't take it too hard on himself.I have experienced it myself  several  a few times and it is not so life-threatening.

I am neither an expert in love nor womanology but here are a few things which I  thought I might highlight:

• Sometimes in life you don't always get what/who you want.If life gives you lemons... blah blah blah...sometimes life is too harsh to even give you lemons.
• No matter how it goes down,life goes on.
• If people can live without one kidney then you can live without a particular somebody.
• So you got rejected,did you die?If the answer is no,STFU and join the rest of Kenyans in building the nation.